There's A Hole In My Brain Dear Liza

Bella has this set of CDs full of children's folk songs given to her by a former coworker of mine. Most of them are... well... okay they're all pretty dang annoying. It's nursery rhymes and classic children's songs sung by a less than stellar chorus of preteen girls (or so it sounds). Bella absolutely loves these CDs, and literally blasts them throughout the house. I have to run in there to yell at her "TOO LOUD" and turn the volume down from earsplitting to bearable. Of all these irritating songs though, there is one I find to be the absolute worst. On a scale of annoyance, one being "mosquito" and ten being "process server" this ditty probably goes up to about a fifteen, or just high enough to compel you to run, screaming, onto a busy freeway.

You may have heard this song, I honestly hadn't until Bella played this CD. The song is called "There's a Hole in My Bucket". You may be familiar with it, but for those readers who aren't, the premise of the song is that this guy, Henry, has a bucket with a hole in it, and the poor imbecile has no idea how to fix it, so he goes to (presumably) his wife, Liza, and asks for her help, and she has to walk him through every damn step because he is seriously that clueless. On top of the whole foundation of the song being irritating, the song itself is INSANELY REPETITIVE. By the end of the song I'm getting twitchy and seeing oompa loompas in the corners.

The one redeeming part of this song is that by the end, Liza completely loses her shit and yells at Henry. I have to be honest though, if Henry were my husband I'd probably be stabbing him by the end of the song.


There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it.
This is the obvious solution, Henry. Duh.

With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, with what?
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a straw.
Sorry, I thought you had reasonable intelligence. Here's how you fix it, dude.

The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The straw is too long, dear Liza, too long,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it.
Liza is gritting her teeth now. Seriously, he can't figure that out?

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, with what?
With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a knife.
Fuck, Henry! For real? My mom was right, I should have married Sam Wainright.

The knife is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The knife is too dull, dear Liza, too dull.
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, sharpen it.
Liza is getting a little frantic now.

On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, on what?
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, a stone.
I'll sharpen your face if you don't stop asking me questions you dolt!

The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, wet it.
Liza starts twitching and giggling maniacally to herself.

With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, with what?
try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, water.
This is total sarcasm dude. Ten points for Liza.

In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, in what?
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, a bucket.
Now Henry is getting attitude. Watch it, man. She's a ticking time bomb now.

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Use your head, then! dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Use your head, then! dear Henry, dear Henry, use your head!
Liza's face erupts into flames.


Now if that doesn't set your teeth on edge, then you have some serious issues of your own. But, if you're like me, then after listening to that whole torturous song, you are now walking in circles and counting the clowns under your bed. As a friend of a friend once told me, if you only see three clowns then you're still missing two.

Seriously Henry? I could have fixed the damn bucket myself by now.

Stuff Bella Says

Bella has always been a talkative child. Whatever comes to her mind immediately comes out her mouth. The other day I was sitting at the island in our kitchen and (apparently) my low-waisted jeans were showing what I refer to as my H.A.C. (high ass crack - no seriously, it practically starts up between my shoulder blades). So she comes up and says, "Moooom! Your butt is showing!" I'm kind of sassy so I retort, "Do you like it?" instead of getting all grossed out she bursts into giggles and says "Yes! I love it, I want to hug it!" and then seriously, she hugged my butt. Where did this kid come from? She totally gets my sarcasm and she's still not even four years old.

Sometimes she doesn't even mean to be funny. For her third birthday we had a pool party at the neighborhood pool. Since we were outside we bought small boxes of Nerds™for the party bags (because anything chocolate would have melted in the Central Texas heat). A few days after the party there were still plenty left over and she asked me if she could have some. She had been good that day, so I relented and she followed me, skipping, to the pantry. I'm reaching up to get them when I hear her say "Mmmmm! Turds! I love turds!" I laughed for five solid minutes, and then had a hard time explaining to her what was so funny.

Just this morning she was looking at one of my copies of "Us Weekly" and said, "Mommy, is this magazine about fashions or boobies?". That's a valid question, I think.

When she tooted in front of my friend Kristen, her excuse was that the fart came from her elbow. Kristen advised her to go get that looked at.

Just the other day she was playing Doc McStuffins with my friend Michelle and told her she was sick with "bad-itis".

Bella makes a bubble beard and bubble hat

When I was first pregnant with Vivienne and we didn't know what we were having, we kept telling her she was going to have a baby brother or sister, so one time when my sister Pam was babysitting her she proudly proclaimed, "I got a baby butter sister... in da mama".

When I was working, I had to get her up early and drop her off at my friend Ashley's house who would watch her for us while we were at work, one morning she said to her, "I was sleepy, like a sleepy chicken" but she said it so somberly that it really made me chuckle.

Random Cuteness:

Bella cuddles her Jimmy John's sandwich

I love how she puts an "M" in front of everything. Her friend Alexis is "Malexis" (it sounds like "molasses" when she says it), she also says "Maprade" (Parade), "Magraff" (Giraffe) and "Magrage" (Garage).

She always asks you if you remember things that either didn't happen or you weren't there for.
"Mama, remember when Nanny and me saw peacocks at the zoo?"
"I wasn't there for that, sweet pea."
"Mama, remember when that hippo farted?"
(Laughing) "That was a youtube video, sweetie."
"Mama, remember when I ride on a unicorn on the rainbow and I'm a princess fairy?"
"Uh... no, no I don't remember that at all, honey."

She bookends questions with "why":
"Why I hafta take a nap, why?"

Some gems from my Facebook page:

Bella is well on her way to becoming a full on movie buff. She picked out "Young Frankenstein" to watch, and then ran into the living room about half way through and exclaimed, "Mama! The bookcase squish his face, and he say, 'PUT THE CANDLE...BACK!'" and then she ran around the living room for 5 minutes giggling and screaming "PUT THE CANDLE BACK! PUT THE CANDLE BACK!"

Bella this morning: "Mama, Bampires are mean!"
Me: "Vampires?"
Bella: "Yeah cuz Bampires are mean to princesses, and all peoples are scary to her."

Bella has learned to use her cuteness the same way a super villain might use his powers. She came into the kitchen tonight and the following conversation ensued:
Bella: "What are THOSE?!" (Pointing to some cake pops I've just made)
Me: "Cake Pops"
Bella: (Folds hands together like she's praying and squeals) "OOOH I WUV cake pops! I eat them?"
Me: (I pick her up because she's so cute I just can't resist) "Not tonight, but you can have one tomorrow."
Bella: (She throws her arms around my neck) "Okay. Lets be rain clouds!"
Me: "Rain clouds?"
Bella: "Yeah. Tickle me!" (She jumps down and runs off screaming and giggling.

Bella just ran into the living room as Eric was hanging my new curtains and said, "It smells like dragonflies in here."

I made up a little song with Bella's name to teach her what her full name is, but I think she may be a little confused about her surname, because just now in the tub I found her singing it thusly:
"Isabella Charlotte Abrahamsen!"
"Isabella Charlotte Abra-footies!"
"Isabella Charlotte Abra-booty!"
"Isabella Charlotte Abra-tooties!"
"Isabella Charlotte Abra-scratches!"
"Isabella Charlotte Abra-boo-boo!"

We're watching TV and a diet pill ad comes on, Bella watches for a second and then (parroting a phrase that is repeated often in the ad) yells, "EWW! WOOK! BODY FAT!" I bust out laughing, in response she starts trying to make me laugh by screaming out things like "Body fat in you head! Body fat in you feet!" So I'm laughing uncontrollably now thinking of all these people who need diet pills for their fat heads and feet.

"Bitamins make you all shiny and warm in your froat, mama." - Bella's assessment of the benefits of vitamins.

Last night I wrapped Bella in her unicorn towel after she got out of her bath and in response she said, "I'm a unicorn! Moo!" And I started to say that's not the sound unicorns make when I realized I don't know WHAT sound unicorns make.

This morning Bella came to me holding her "Fur Real Friends" kitty and looking all sullen and pouty she says to me, "Kitty BIT me." I seriously could not stop laughing.

Whatever you have, Bella has the sparkle version of that. According to her, anyway.
Sample conversation:
"What are you doing, mama?"
"I'm doing laundry."
"Oh. I got my sparkle laundry?"
"...Is that a question?"
"No, I TELLING you, I got my sparkle laundry, mama."
"Oh..kay... Sparkle laundry sounds interesting, baby."

And the pièce de résistance:

On the way home from viewing Christmas lights (two years ago) she made up her own version of Silent Night that goes like this:
Silent night
Tryin' to sleep
Under the blanket
Silent night
Dreaming night
Tuesday night
Silent night
In a blanket
And a cake
Silent night
Silent night
Night night
Sleeping
In the stars
Silent...
(long pause)
Silent night
Silent day
Silent sleep
(Unintelligible but emphatic)
(Makes snoring sounds)
And I wake up!
And I not cry!
And it's sad!
And I not cry!
And a wakey
Silent night
Never night
German night
Okay
Silent day
Stylin' lemon (<-- I swear she sang that)
Where Bella sleep

Martha Stewart + Christina Applegate = Liz

I hope I haven’t fooled any readers of this blog into thinking I am some kind of sweet-natured, millennial Martha Stewart. No offense to Martha, but I am more like…. Hmmm… Maybe Christina Applegate minus the smokin’ hot bod. I curse WAY too often. (I am seriously trying to stop but sometimes I just really love the comedic emphasis given to a statement by the implementation of a properly timed F-bomb.) I like to drink (though I rarely get to now that I’m breast-feeding) and I wish (sometimes) that I could still go out and party like a 22 year old. I actually did that recently with my best friend Michelle. We got all dolled-up and went out for a night on the town with our hubbies. I was sort of amazed that the club-scene hasn’t changed much except for the fact that I could have been the babysitter of most of the kids out there that night. I kept wanting to come up to them and sing Mamma Mia style, Does Your Mother Know That You’re Out? Most of the music is the same that was being played 7 years ago when I was frequenting the same locations (now under new management), except it became painfully obvious how old we were when “Teach Me How To Dougie” came on and not a damn one of us knew what to do.

I do have Martha tendencies though. I love to bake. I mean like seriously, I read cookbooks and spend hours on Pinterest drooling rainbows over recipes. (Okay, fine, not hours. As if I have more than one uninterrupted hour to spend on Pinterest, or anything else not related to starfall.com or Disney Junior.) A couple years ago I taught myself how to make home-made yeast cinnamon rolls and DAMN, seriously, they are delicious.

An example of my Applegate tendencies, when Bella was in daycare, before I was even pregnant with Vivienne, Bella was full on in her terrible twos and I was wondering how she behaved at the daycare so I asked one of the girls there if she does what she’s told or if she throws temper tantrums, and she told me that in large part she behaved and did as she was told, except that sometimes she’s not nice to the other kids. I inquired as to how and she said (in a quiet and clearly mildly scandalized tone) “She’s been telling the other children to ‘shut up’,” she looked on at me with wide eyes as I replied, “Oh, she must have learned that from one of the other children here, we don’t say that at home. Now, if she drops an F-bomb, that she picked up from me.” 

I guess I’m a good mix of Martha and Christina. Sometimes I wax philosophical, and other times I sound like a drunken sailor set loose on an unsuspecting public. I hope this blog will be an even mix of both. Thanks for stopping by!

Cartoon Sources:

1.) Some E Cards

2.) Everyday People Cartoons