Karmatic Retribution...and Bragging

 Karma's a bitch. She really is. I can't tell you how many times I showed up at home and sprang a last minute project on my parents who would then have to rush off to Wal-Mart and stay up until the wee hours to help me finish something I should have been working on for weeks. Now, Bella has daily homework, and I have to say, I tend to ignore it unless there is something she is required to turn in. I am a little miffed at the idea of her having homework every day, because she can't read yet, so it's up to me to keep track of it for her and number one, I am not reliable when it comes to that kind of stuff and number two, I think this teaches the kids that their parents will help them get their homework done. So obviously, this has finally come back to bite me in the ass.

A couple of weeks ago the entire kindergarten had what they referred to as "The Kindergarten Rodeo" which included a parade of children riding stick horses they'd made. You were supposed to do the stick horse over spring break, but I totally forgot about it. The rodeo loomed and one day Bella came home and announced the stick horse was due the next morning.

Eric wanted to use a left over clothing rod we had from when I redid my closet, but first of all, those things are stupidly expensive so I didn't want to chop it down for use as a homework project, and secondly, it was like 2 inches in diameter and heavy, and I doubted Bella could carry it. So off to Home Depot I went at 6 pm. I bought a dowel rod and brought it home, we had some leftover paint from when we painted Bella's room, so I had her help me paint the stick, and that was pretty much all she got to do. I usually have her make her own projects by herself as much as possible, but this time I knew there wasn't time.

Everyone else ate dinner and got ready for bed, and I sat there, cutting up material originally meant for use as a dress for Bella (I bought it when she was 2 and I was determined I was going to start sewing). I was pretty sure this thing was going to turn out looking like something Thanatos would ride into Hades, but I persevered nonetheless. No daughter of mine was going to school in some stick horse made from a curtain rod and an old sock.

Eric got the girls ready for bed as I cursed at my sewing machine, in the grand tradition started by my mother. Now, my mom is basically the living embodiment of Betty Crocker. I swear she exudes sunshine from all her pores, she has endless patience and a kind word and a baked good for everyone. That being said, she's got a bit of a temper on her, and though she was raised in a strict Southern Baptist home, she has a string of curse words she reserves solely for her sewing machine. As a kid, the infernal machine in question was a Kenmore, but now she has a Brother, which I can only assume has been subjected to equal amounts of verbal abuse.

I am certain I exacerbated her complicated relationship with her Kenmore as a kid when I would constantly come home expecting her to work miracles on it. One such time I came home and announced that she needed to make not one but two Indian costumes for "Indian Day" (I went to elementary school before political correctness). I said I needed one, and I had promised my best friend my super talented mom would make her one too. Oh, and I need them tomorrow, mom. My mom worked a full-time job, so she didn't even hear about this until after 5 pm. That blessed woman stayed up until after 2 am finishing those costumes, and when I skipped off to school with them after a good night's rest I discovered my friend had gotten someone else to make one for her already. Oh well, mom didn't need that sleep, right?

I'm proud of the half-assed outfit too. The shirt and hat are from Wal-Mart
and cost a total of $11. The cowboy hat is actually a woman's sized hat,
I had to use my awful, broken Spanish to communicate with a
Wal-Mart employee to find it. The boots would be more appropriate for
"Eskimo day" if that were even a thing.

I have felt bad about that for twenty years now, but karma got me back with this damned stick horse. As he was turning off lights and heading to bed my husband said, "I feel bad going to sleep," and I said, "Don't, this is my punishment. I've been waiting for it for twenty years now." and with that baffling statement he shuffled off to bed to leave me to it. I have never been good with a sewing machine, the main issues I have are threading the damn thing, and maintaining a good speed with the foot pedal. My sewing machine is a Singer, and it seems to have two speeds: almost not moving, and oops, you've sewn your hand to the fabric.

Finally I gave up and started hand sewing it. It took me three hours but I finally finished the stick horse head, and shoved it barbarically onto its pike, presumably as an example to other arrogant stick horses. WARNING: Here's where the bragging comes in: As difficult as it was, I am somewhat amazed that it turned out so well, considering how harried the project was. I can only say that it's a good thing I have my secret hoard of craft supplies, or Bella'd have been riding a stick horse that looked like it came from a dumpster. But now that my kid knows I can work miracles, I'll be required to do this again one day. Until then, I will live in fear of my just deserts.

Doing Things the Hard Way

I keep seeing pins for "life hacks" about how to do things easier or quicker, so I thought I'd toast to my own insanity and blog about a few things I do that are actually much harder than necessary. I wrote a really funny article recently for Wide Open Country called "20 Ridiculous Pinterest Projects That Ain't Nobody Got Time For" and this is sort of the opposite of that. I like to cook and bake, so every once in a while I do things the hard way because I think I do it better. So, without further ado, here are my favorite ridiculously over-complicated recipes:

Cinnamon Rolls

Yeah, you can totally buy these from the grocery store, but dammit they always have raisins and I HATE raisins. Seriously, ew. I could buy them from a bakery but they'd be expensive, and I'd have to get up at the crack of dawn, because if you sleep in all the cinnamon rolls are gone by the time you get there, no matter where you go. Because cinnamon rolls are awesome. This recipe requires a yeast dough, so you have to wait for it to rise. Sometimes I make this the night before I want to eat it and leave the rolls in the pan in the fridge overnight, but they really do taste better made and baked on the same day. So these are for like, when you don't really want breakfast until 11 but you'll still be up at 7. *Sarcasm Font* Totally practical, right?

This recipe is originally a Paula Deen Recipe, don't look at me like that, you can hardly taste the racism. Plus I started making this before that came to light, so my innocence is grandfathered in, right?

Click Here for the Cinnamon Rolls Recipe

My changes:

Sometimes I use coconut oil instead of butter in the dough.

I use half granulated sugar and half brown sugar.

I use milk instead of water in the icing recipe.

I only cook these for 15 minutes, because at 30 minutes they have the consistency of hockey pucks.

I leave out the raisins and nuts.

Lasagna

My mom really only cooks on holidays, and one of her specialties is homemade lasagna. I didn't eat frozen, boxed lasagna until my husband bought it after we were married. Gross. Stouffer's should be ashamed of themselves, because that crap is nasty. I had never had it in a restaurant because I was certain it could never be as good as my mom's, until 2010 when my hubs took me to Little Italy in New York City. I figured if there was ever any place that would be worth trying restaurant lasagna, it would be on Mulberry Street, and was I ever right. I have never been so close to heaven. I have been trying since then to recreate it, but I don't have a drop of Italian blood in me, and I lack the prerequisite Italian grandmother to help me out, so I'm still working on this recipe. I've ended up combining my mom's recipe with one from the New York Times, partially because these ingredients are really hard to find in Texas, and partially because I am too lazy to do it properly (but not lazy enough to ever allow my husband to buy Stouffer's again).

Click Here for the New York Times Lasagna Recipe

My changes:

I use bacon instead of pancetta because it's damn near impossible to find in Texas, and really expensive.

I use cottage cheese instead of ricotta because that's how my mom did it, and I find cottage cheese less annoying to work with than sticky ricotta.

I use ground Italian sausage and ground beef, and don't always bother making the meatballs, but it's better if you do, just more time-consuming.

Chicken Pot Pies

This I got into because my husband practically begged me to make him some homemade chicken pot pies, and I've found that, though it's far more time-consuming than sticking a frozen one in the oven, it's not only lower calorie, it's also way more delicious. I don't make my own pie crust though, I'm not completely crazy.

Ingredients:

You will need four soufflé dishes, like these - I bought mine four to a package from Garden Ridge (now called At Home) for less than $10.

2 Pre-made, rolled pie crusts in box, such as Pillsbury (but I use the HEB brand because I find them to be better)

Carrots, celery, potatoes, corn, peas, green beans or whatever you want in your pot pie, the amount you use will depend on how many veggies you want, I usually use about a half a cup of all of these. You can use canned veggies, and I usually do with corn and peas, but with everything else i generally use fresh and then I sauté the green beans and boil the potatoes, carrots and celery. You want the veggies to be cooked when you put them into the pies. If you use canned, they can be cold out of the can though.

1 chicken breast

1 recipe white gravy, you can use my own recipe from my article on Wide Open Country for biscuits and gravy.

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

Take one pre-made pie crust out of the box and roll it into a ball, kneed it until all the flour on the outside has been absorbed back into the crust. Cut the ball into four equal pieces, then roll each out. 

Form each pie crust inside and around the edges of each soufflé dish, you'll want to make certain to fold a little bit over the top of each dish so that the crust doesn't simply slide down into the dish as it bakes. 

Using a fork, poke holes in each pie crust and put them all into the oven to bake for about 7 minutes, or until the crust looks done, as in, no longer raw.

Take the pie crusts out of the oven and set them aside (you'll want to leave the oven on).

Sautee, boil or otherwise cook whatever vegetables you want in your pot-pie.

Cook the chicken (I pan-fry mine) and dice the chicken once it's cooked.

Prepare the gravy (see linked recipe above for instructions, omitting the sausage and bacon added).

Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl until gravy covers everything, then spoon the mixture into the cooked pie crusts. 

Take remaining pie shell and kneed it until all the flour on the outside is absorbed, then cut the dough into four equal parts, and roll them out.

Place one raw pie crust on each prepared pot pie, pushing the crust down so that it sticks to the cooked pie crust. Cut four small slits in the top of each raw pie crust to vent.

Cook each pot pie again until the top crust is cooked, 7-10 minutes.

Pizza

Once I mastered cinnamon roll dough, pizza dough was a breeze. The great thing about this recipe is that it doesn't need to rise, so this doesn't take much more time than any other made-from-scratch dinner. It's still longer than opening a box and turning on an oven, but I get to put as much cheese on it as I want, and I loooove CHEESE. I've also used half the dough to make a thin-crust version, which is really good too. The great thing about making your own pizza is that you can put whatever you want on it. I've made this as a standard pepperoni, a sausage and green pepper, and even a chicken alfredo bacon pizza.

Click Here for the Pizza Crust Recipe

Pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees

Roll out the pizza dough and then put it in your pizza pan

Cover in desired sauce (You can make your own, but I usually just buy pre-made spaghetti sauce)

Cover in grated cheese of choice (I have found that grating your own cheese makes it melt better than buying pre-grated cheese at the store)

Cover in meat (make sure it's cooked, unless it's pepperoni, which usually comes pre-sliced and pre-cooked)

Cover in sliced veggies if you want, these don't have to be cooked.

Put the Pizza in the oven and cook it for 15 minutes.