There's A Hole In My Brain Dear Liza

Bella has this set of CDs full of children's folk songs given to her by a former coworker of mine. Most of them are... well... okay they're all pretty dang annoying. It's nursery rhymes and classic children's songs sung by a less than stellar chorus of preteen girls (or so it sounds). Bella absolutely loves these CDs, and literally blasts them throughout the house. I have to run in there to yell at her "TOO LOUD" and turn the volume down from earsplitting to bearable. Of all these irritating songs though, there is one I find to be the absolute worst. On a scale of annoyance, one being "mosquito" and ten being "process server" this ditty probably goes up to about a fifteen, or just high enough to compel you to run, screaming, onto a busy freeway.

You may have heard this song, I honestly hadn't until Bella played this CD. The song is called "There's a Hole in My Bucket". You may be familiar with it, but for those readers who aren't, the premise of the song is that this guy, Henry, has a bucket with a hole in it, and the poor imbecile has no idea how to fix it, so he goes to (presumably) his wife, Liza, and asks for her help, and she has to walk him through every damn step because he is seriously that clueless. On top of the whole foundation of the song being irritating, the song itself is INSANELY REPETITIVE. By the end of the song I'm getting twitchy and seeing oompa loompas in the corners.

The one redeeming part of this song is that by the end, Liza completely loses her shit and yells at Henry. I have to be honest though, if Henry were my husband I'd probably be stabbing him by the end of the song.


There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it.
This is the obvious solution, Henry. Duh.

With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, with what?
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a straw.
Sorry, I thought you had reasonable intelligence. Here's how you fix it, dude.

The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The straw is too long, dear Liza, too long,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it.
Liza is gritting her teeth now. Seriously, he can't figure that out?

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, with what?
With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a knife.
Fuck, Henry! For real? My mom was right, I should have married Sam Wainright.

The knife is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The knife is too dull, dear Liza, too dull.
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, sharpen it.
Liza is getting a little frantic now.

On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, on what?
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, a stone.
I'll sharpen your face if you don't stop asking me questions you dolt!

The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, wet it.
Liza starts twitching and giggling maniacally to herself.

With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, with what?
try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, water.
This is total sarcasm dude. Ten points for Liza.

In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, in what?
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, a bucket.
Now Henry is getting attitude. Watch it, man. She's a ticking time bomb now.

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Use your head, then! dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Use your head, then! dear Henry, dear Henry, use your head!
Liza's face erupts into flames.


Now if that doesn't set your teeth on edge, then you have some serious issues of your own. But, if you're like me, then after listening to that whole torturous song, you are now walking in circles and counting the clowns under your bed. As a friend of a friend once told me, if you only see three clowns then you're still missing two.

Seriously Henry? I could have fixed the damn bucket myself by now.