You had me at Merlot...

So it's no secret that I have a wine fixation. I refuse to use the term "addiction", I CAN QUIT ANY TIME. So imagine my excitement when I encountered the "Un-spillable wine glass". Y'all. It's an adult sippy-cup. Why can't I ever come up with something so simple, yet so essential, and finally make my millions? Oh...probably because of all the wine I drink. Welp. Better stick to writing.

Haikus

My friend Kristen told me of the most hilarious Haiku ever, so I memed it.

First Annual Abrahamsen Princess Ball

This morning after I had gotten back from my run my two little princesses were playing dress up. Bella had donned her ol' faithful Aurora dress, and Vivienne had asked to wear her "costume" (a princess Belle dress she wore this Halloween) and they wanted to dance "like at a ball". This whole thing sort of snowballed out of control at that point. The first thing that happened was I created a dance floor in our (mostly) unused formal dining room by moving the table and chairs. Then the girls needed "princess dance music". Did y'all know iTunes Radio has a Disney Princess station? Well now you do. Once they were all set up and dancing in their ball room I just had to participate. Long story short, my husband came home to find me in an old bridesmaid's dress, twirling with my girls. I can't believe I never thought to do this before. 

Passive Aggressive Note To A Mom I Don't Know

Dear Mom,
   
Yeah, you. You know who you are. And you know what you did. You were at that place where I was, and I perceived you as a threat. You did/said something wrong, and looked at me sideways. Though I don't know anything about you I will spend three pages on my blog berating you about how you don't know me. You don't know my struggle. And the struggle is real. I have stuff to do, and things on my plate, and I can't just be who you want me to be. I allowed our brief interaction to spoil my day and now I'm taking to my blog/social media accounts to shame the shit out of you. At least thirty people will wonder if this blog was written about them, and have no vehicle through which to explain their side of the story. I will take my ruined day and proliferate that ruination over half the population of the United States. The people who identify with me will then be rude and irate to people like you, and create even more tension in the unending Battle of the Moms. I didn't have the guts to talk to you in person, but I will go home and hide in my darkened house with the shades drawn and eviscerate you via the written word and then plaster it all over the internet. The pen is indeed, mightier than the sword, and in the same breath I will tell my children that bullying is wrong, while setting an example of exactly how to bully, anonymously and with excessive cowardice, everyone who is not just like me.
   
Eventually, the people like you will write their own blog and post it all over social media explaining why I am actually the one in the wrong. In reality, all forms of mothering are valid, but we will only be concerned with page views and likes, and that is how we will determine the winner. But for now, I am the first to post, so suck it, bitches.

Sincerely,
Passive Aggressive Mom

I wrote this as a satirical response to all the "Dear lady at the playground/pool/mall" blog posts I had been seeing that chastised someone for chastising someone else, but I feel that that is an incomplete narrative without stating that we should live our own lives and not judge one another. Instead of ruining someone's day, maybe take the time to realize that you don't know someone else's journey, and either say something kind instead, or just don't say anything. And if someone is rude to you, respond with kindness instead of going online and spreading more hatred. I watched a beautiful video today that showcases all kinds of moms, and I would like to share it here. It is a Similac ad, but it is also very touching and portrays a lot of truth. Let's love and support one another, moms.

What Would You Have Done?

   

I just got home from an experience so poignant that I felt the need to blog for the first time in about seven months. I have started working from home, so most of my free time is devoted to blogging or social media for my client right now, which is why this blog has fallen into neglect. But I digress.

Bella started school this Fall and it has been tough to adjust to the new schedule and all the requirements placed on her as a Kindergartener. I found myself feeling that my own inadequacies would end up causing my child to fail or miss opportunities. It's always so awkward to me, as I am a bit of an introvert, to be forced into a social situation like school where people expect you to say "Hi!" and be friendly and talkative. That may have affected what happened today.
   
On the first day of school I drove up to get Bella because I am stupid, and had no idea that driving to pick up my child would be a 45 minute ordeal. Since that day I have driven up to the side of the school, parked on the curb and walked up to the school. I park on the opposite side so I exchange a friendly "Hello!" with the crossing guard every day. It's always the same lady, a sweet, tall elderly lady who probably has a grandkid at the school, or could be a retired teacher for all I know, there's not a lot of time for conversation in the cross walk.
   
Today, on the way back from getting Bella, we were waiting to cross the street and a little boy came up and started talking to the crossing guard. I have seen her banter with children pretty much every day and she seems to know the older ones pretty well, so I didn't think too much of it when the first words out of his mouth were, "Really?! You start letting cars pass as soon as I get up here?" he sounded pretty jovial in his tone. The words, though rude for a young child to direct at an authority figure, were said with mirth and I assumed he was joking, and she did too, and responded, "Well, that's the way it goes sometimes." But the next words out of his mouth, though still spoken with mirth were not so jovial. "That makes me think you are a useless poop-nugget." She and I looked at the little boy in shock, and she looked at me, and then back at him, and said, "What did you say?" He repeated it, albeit slightly quieter. I was completely stunned into silence and unable to find my voice as she looked agape from him to me and back, finally she said, "Do you want me to talk to Mr. O'Conner?" (he's the principal). Quietly the boy replied, "No." So she said, "Then you better not say things like that to me again." As we started to cross the road again I said to her, "Well I think you are doing a fantastic job." to which she replied, "Thank you!"

I felt completely sick to my stomach about that exchange, and wish I had said something to the little boy, even though he isn't mine, and even though he did seem to be joking. I don't know what made me clam up when normally I would put on my teacher voice (I'm not a teacher but I have a great teacher voice) and scolded him until he apologized. I wish I had at least pointed out that what he said was rude and that he should have respect for her and all adults. I wish I would have asked him how it would make him feel if someone said something like that to his own grandmother. I really feel like I missed out on a teachable moment not only for that little boy, but for my own children and I think that is what bothers me the most. I wish I had spoken up.

All I can assume is that maybe it was a learning experience for me, so that I will have time to contemplate this, and know how to handle those situations in the future. When I really started to break it down, it did seem to me like maybe he thought he was being funny, and when you look at the insult, the worst part of it is the addition of the word "useless", which is actually a very cruel thing to call a person. It made me wonder where he heard that insult, and whether it had initially been directed at him. Had someone called him a useless poop-nugget? If so, who? An older sibling? An adult in jest? I wondered if he found it funny or upsetting when used toward him. I have found, from raising my own children, that kids will call a person a name, laughing uncontrollably, but if that same epithet is hurled at them, they will be upset by it. I don't know whether this is short-sightedness, hypocrisy or outright spite.

I think the crossing guard handled the situation admirably, I just wish I could say the same for myself.


Photo Credit: Ross

If I Die Before I Wake... It's Because of This Face Wash

L'Oreal could use the tagline
"I MAKE DEATH BUBBLES TO SUFFOCATE YOU",
but I don't think it would market well.

So, this year for Christmas, I got some new face wash in my stocking. Don't laugh, Santa is getting a lot better, I used to get ball-point pens in my stocking. This stuff was anti-aging and made by L'Oreal so I was pretty excited to try it. And don't get all judgy about my use of anti-aging products, this is the South and we practically bathe in Oil of Olay. Although I was excited to try it, I was never really impressed by it. It comes out of the tube a pure, opaque white, and then slowly expands, kind of like hair mousse. When you start washing your face, it becomes exponentially more foamy than you would have expected, think Palmolive on steroids. Also, it claims to be "exfoliating" but since the cream itself is completely smooth, I can only assume the exfoliants are chemical in nature, which freaks me out a bit.

No matter how much Noxzema I used I never
ended up looking like Rebecca Gayheart.

My standard modus operandi when washing my face is to do as the Noxzema girls did and splash water all over my face and then work up a good lather in my hands before scrubbing my pores. I generally end up completely swathed in face wash foam, so I have to keep my eyes and mouth tightly closed at first to avoid getting the soap in my eyes and becoming a screaming, flailing squid of pain. I've still got to breathe though, I'm not Michael Phelps, so after I get all foamy I usually open my mouth and gasp for air for a second and then continue scrubbing. (And no, I can't breathe through my nose or I end up snorting the face wash like some kind of awful, soapy nasal spray that burns my sinuses. IT BURNS!)


This particular brand makes these really inconvenient, enormous, indestructible bubbles, and last night when I opened my mouth to inhale, it created a soap film that covered my entire mouth. I was, unfortunately, unaware of this, so when I tried to breathe, I inhaled a massive chemical face wash bubble. It coated the inside of my mouth and I swear to you I felt it pop on the back of my throat. I have probably never been so assaulted by the chemical nature of a product I use as when I got this nasty slop in my mouth. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the inside of your mouth really doesn't need exfoliants. I was spitting and gagging and coughing and just generally sounding like I was dying, so much so that I woke my husband up from sleep and he, being ever so concerned, popped his sleepy head in, eyes half open and demanded "What are you DOING?" Oh, nothing, don't mind me, I'm just choking on my face wash.

This is my favorite, it hasn't tried to kill me once.

I have never had a more harrowing experience with a personal hygiene product. Suffice it to say I won't be buying this one again, and will be giving Santa very explicit instructions next Christmas. I normally use Olay Pro-X cleanser, it has a gentler exfoliant and doesn't make giant death bubbles on my face to suffocate me. I could probably write a sonnet about how much I now hate this L'Oreal product, except I have no desire to study the rules of iambic pentameter again.

My Funny Valentines

Bella enjoys her Valentine's Day treats!

Valentines day has always been a fun time, but it's getting even more exciting now that I have little girls to shower with love! Today was no exception, Vivi and Bella got some new toys, and were allowed to eat chocolate BEFORE BREAKFAST! Then I made them a special meal of heart-shaped strawberry pancakes! They were super sticky afterwards, so they got to have a pink bubble bath, and they are now all decked out in their Valentine's day best! Later on we will go visit my best friend from my childhood, Ashley, and her daughter Alexis, who is Bella's best friend. 

Vivienne loves her pancakes!

To make the heart-shaped strawberry pancakes you simply add 3/4 cup of chopped strawberries and 3 drops wilton pink gel food coloring to pancake batter (however you prefer to make pancakes, I use Aunt Jemima's pancake mix) I cut a heart out of the middle of each pancake using a cookie cutter. Next, I put strawberry jelly between each one, and drizzled honey over the top, and finished the whole thing off with a sprinkling of powdered sugar! The girls really loved them!

Heart-shaped strawberry pancakes with honey!