Accidental OmelettesThese are a godsend for a hungry mom who doesn't mind eating her child's breakfast while the child rummages in the pantry for the sugariest, most processed food she can find.
Ingredients:
- 1/2 Tablespoon butter
- 1 Egg
- 1 Tablespoon milk
- Dash of salt
Instructions:
- Intend to make scrambled eggs for your child. She needs lots of protein and far less sugar and she'll actually eat scrambled eggs.
- Heat the skillet to medium.
- Begin the normal process of making scrambled eggs (melt the butter in the skillet, scramble the egg, milk and salt in a bowl).
- Pour egg mixture into hot skillet.
- Hear crying from across the house.
- Go attend a boo boo.
- Run back and turn off the heat so you don't burn the house down.
- Completely forget about eggs.
- Feed sniffling child a pop tart.
- Return 5 minutes later to find scrambled eggs have turned into an omelette in the bottom of the pan.
- Fold.
- Eat.
Evaporated Water
This is by far the easiest mom recipe. If you can boil water, you can make this.
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| Image via The Kitchn |
Ingredients:
- Pot
- Water
Instructions:
- Get out box of Kraft macaroni for dinner.
- Fill pot with the required six cups of water.
- Without measuring, because let's be honest, you have been making this since like junior high.
- Set heat to high.
- Child shows up.
- Child says something super cute.
- Get into a game of tickle chase with child.
- Child runs into dining room table, bonks head, cries.
- Auditorily hallucinate your mother's voice saying "NO RUNNING IN THE HOUSE, ELIZABETH!".
- Realize you're a failure as a mother.
- Cry.
- Get boo boo bunny.
- Turn on Caillou.
- Cuddle.
- Suddenly remember pot.
- Run to turn off burner.
- Douse molten pot in cold water in sink.
- Praise Jesus that you didn't burn the house down.
- Attend to the burn you've just sustained from grabbing the pot handle.
- Order pizza.
This recipe is perfect for someone who wants to practice the mixing process of baking, but not the actual baking process of baking. It's also great if you're on a diet, because you end up with half the edible cookies you intended to. This is the Nestle Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe, but it's really the process that's important, so you can substitute your own recipe if you so please.
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| Image via Limerick's Blog |
Ingredients:
- 2 1/4 cups flour
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 cup butter
- 3/4 cup sugar
- 3/4 cup brown sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 2 large eggs
- 2 cups chocolate chips
- Preheat the oven to 375.
- Cream together butter and sugars.
- Child hears mixer and runs into kitchen.
- Child says, "You makin' COOKIES?!".
- Allow child to pour vanilla (after you measure it, you're not making that mistake again).
- Beat in first egg while child cries "*I* wanted to crack the eggs!".
- Allow child to crack second egg.
- Pick egg shell out of batter.
- Measure out flour.
- Allow child to pour flour into separate bowl.
- Clean spilled flour off counter top, try to eyeball the amount and add to the bowl.
- Measure baking soda and salt, allow child to pour into dry ingredient bowl.
- Get out a whisk to mix dry ingredients.
- Allow child to mix dry ingredients.
- Child mixes dry ingredients as if her arm was a helicopter rotor.
- Clean dry ingredients off counter top, pray that no baking soda was lost.
- Mix dry ingredients into wet ingredients, allowing child to pour one cup of dry ingredients at a time into the bowl.
- Clean dry ingredients off counter top.
- Add chocolate chips and mix.
- Grease the pan even though it says not to because I DO WHAT I WANT.
- Drop rounded spoonfuls of cookie dough onto pan.
- Try in vain to stop child from eating raw dough.
- Chase child around kitchen to get spoon back.
- Turn on Barney.
- Go back to cookies, finish spooning out one panful, there will be more dough left in the bowl.
- Put cookies in to bake.
- Forget to set timer.
- Check Facebook.
- Bring child to potty.
- Argue with child about how much toilet paper should be used.
- Refuse to allow child to leave bathroom without washing her hands.
- Suddenly remember cookies when smoke alarm goes off.
- Bring pan of charbroiled cookies outside on the sidewalk to cool.
- Open all the windows and try to wave the smoke away from the smoke detector.
- Peel nutcase dog down from ceiling fan.
- Open fridge, look longingly at the bottle of wine.
- Realize you're the only adult in the house and close the fridge.
- After cooling, scrape charbroiled cookies into the trash
- Calm down crying child who really wanted a black cookie.
- Bake remaining dough.
- Remember to set the damn timer this time for 9 to 11 minutes.
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