Texts From Kristen

I could start a whole new blog just for this topic. Kristen and I have been friends since Freshman year of high school, and this chick is bonkers. She is absolutely hilarious, incredibly intelligent and her humor is pretty much exactly like mine.

Kristen and I discuss the follies of the English language.

Kristen and I plan a slumber party and discuss rain hyperboles.

Kristen's son is FANTASTIC!

Kristen interrupts her own text to alert me to the fact that she has just seen my nightmare scuttle across her garage floor.

Kristen makes me an awesome drawing.

I got some texts from Evangeline too!

Kristen was there for me when I was venting about my barfy baby

Drunk Liz loves everyone twice as much as sober Liz does.

File this one under texts *TO* Kristen. I am amused with my own cleverness. Why do I continue to shop at this retail garage sale?

Traveling with Kristen is always an adventure!

We literally texted each other the same thing at the same time. Never regret tacos.

Elixir of Life...Espresso Double Shot Recipe

This is the pretty version, just for a pic.
I totally dumped this in an enormous,
ugly cup to drink it (see below picture)
Also, this one is not mixed up enough,
but it looks pretty all swirly like that.
#TruthInAdvertising I didn't drink it
like that.

At the beginning of the summer Eric and I were at the grocery store with the kids when he banished me to the nearby Starbucks for yawning too much. It was about 3:00 in the afternoon so they were not overburdened with an abundance of business so I took my time staring blankly at the menus. I knew I didn't want something hot; first of all, it was a cool 102 degrees outside, and secondly, if I'm super sleepy, hot drinks make it worse. I also knew though, that I didn't want one of their über calorie laden frappuccinos like my rail-thin husband likes to get. Having worked in the food service industry, I put a lot of faith in recommendations from employees so I asked them what I should get and after a short discussion of my preferences and sleepiness level they suggested a double shot. It sounded intense so I was dubious, but my eyes were glazing over and I was nodding off where I stood, so I didn't have much choice. The first sip was indeed intense, so I headed over to the condiment station and added at least 5 Splendas, after which it was actually pretty dang delicious. 

I have an espresso maker at home, because I asked for one for Christmas last year. If you want to make your own coffee at home and have it be as good as Starbucks, you have to have an espresso maker. Mine is a Mr. Coffee brand, and it's pretty low-level, but it works so that's what matters. If, like me, you were unaware, allow me to inform you that espresso is not a kind of coffee, it's a method of brewing coffee. After I got my espresso machine I scoured the grocery store aisles for what seemed like hours looking for the darn espresso coffee. As it turns out, espresso is the process of shooting high pressure, boiling water through finely ground coffee. The result is extremely strong coffee. Espresso is like the Emperor of coffee, the supreme high potentate of caffeine and the coffee universe eternal. I make my espresso double shots differently than they do at Starbucks, mostly because I have the time to. Frankly, I think mine are better.

Equipment you will need:

1. An espresso maker
2. A coffee grinder
3. Coffee mug
4. Tall glass or cup - the one I use is probably 32 ounces
5. Long handled spoon for stirring - I use an iced tea spoon
6. Straw (if desired)

Ingredients you will need:

1. Coffee - I use unflavored and I like to grind my beans from whole but if you prefer you can buy already ground coffee and it cuts down on your grinding time. I have found that flavored coffee, even if it's my favorite to brew, is not the best for this drink, the pure coffee flavor works best in my opinion.
2. 1 Cup Milk - I use 2% Organic
3. 1 Tablespoon Cream (optional)
4. 4 Teaspoons sugar or 3 packets of Splenda
5. 1/2 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract (optional)
6. Ice - wait to add this until the last minute or it will melt and your drink will be watered down

Directions:

Grind the coffee until the grounds resemble table salt in size. If you grind them too fine the coffee will be bitter, too large and it will not be strong enough. Brew the espresso according to your machine's instructions. While the espresso is brewing, put the sugar or Splenda and the vanilla (if desired) in the mug. When the espresso is ready, pour it on top of the sugar and vanilla and stir it well, it takes about 30 seconds for the sugar to fully dissolve, it will be less time if you are using Splenda. Once the sugar is dissolved, fill your large cup with ice, all the way to the top, and pour the espresso over the ice. Add the milk and cream and stir until the coffee and milk are fully incorporated (about 10 seconds) then add your straw and enjoy!

The reason I think my double shots are better than Starbucks' is because I mix the sugar in with the hot espresso rather than adding a syrup to the icy drink. Mixing the sugar in with the espresso while it's still hot allows the sugar to fully dissolve and permeate the entire drink with sweetness, rather than allowing the sugar to remain in granules on the bottom of the glass. This is an extra step they just don't seem to have time for at Starbucks. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this drink, it has gotten me through the summer, and has especially been a nice treat for me when I'm a zombie from crib training the baby or night time potty training Bella, yes, I'm dong both at once! That's why I neeeeeed this caffeine!!!

PSST! If you liked this blog and you would like some more Starbucks hacks, check out this blog!

Calories will vary:

Using 2% milk with no cream and Splenda: 125 Calories

Using 2% milk with no cream and sugar: 190

Using 2% milk with cream and sugar: 235

Using 2% milk with cream and Splenda: 170
Using almond milk with no cream and Splenda: 35

When I actually drink it, I need a bigger cup.
These old longhorn cups are the biggest
ones I have, so obviously, this is where my
coffee goes. Get in my belly.

UPDATE: I have found a way to make this drink SUPER LOW CALORIE by using unsweetened almond milk and Splenda. There are only 30 calories in a cup of almond milk. I have added this new option to the calorie listing.

There's A Hole In My Brain Dear Liza

Bella has this set of CDs full of children's folk songs given to her by a former coworker of mine. Most of them are... well... okay they're all pretty dang annoying. It's nursery rhymes and classic children's songs sung by a less than stellar chorus of preteen girls (or so it sounds). Bella absolutely loves these CDs, and literally blasts them throughout the house. I have to run in there to yell at her "TOO LOUD" and turn the volume down from earsplitting to bearable. Of all these irritating songs though, there is one I find to be the absolute worst. On a scale of annoyance, one being "mosquito" and ten being "process server" this ditty probably goes up to about a fifteen, or just high enough to compel you to run, screaming, onto a busy freeway.

You may have heard this song, I honestly hadn't until Bella played this CD. The song is called "There's a Hole in My Bucket". You may be familiar with it, but for those readers who aren't, the premise of the song is that this guy, Henry, has a bucket with a hole in it, and the poor imbecile has no idea how to fix it, so he goes to (presumably) his wife, Liza, and asks for her help, and she has to walk him through every damn step because he is seriously that clueless. On top of the whole foundation of the song being irritating, the song itself is INSANELY REPETITIVE. By the end of the song I'm getting twitchy and seeing oompa loompas in the corners.

The one redeeming part of this song is that by the end, Liza completely loses her shit and yells at Henry. I have to be honest though, if Henry were my husband I'd probably be stabbing him by the end of the song.


There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it.
This is the obvious solution, Henry. Duh.

With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, with what?
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a straw.
Sorry, I thought you had reasonable intelligence. Here's how you fix it, dude.

The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The straw is too long, dear Liza, too long,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it.
Liza is gritting her teeth now. Seriously, he can't figure that out?

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, with what?
With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a knife.
Fuck, Henry! For real? My mom was right, I should have married Sam Wainright.

The knife is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The knife is too dull, dear Liza, too dull.
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, sharpen it.
Liza is getting a little frantic now.

On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, on what?
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, a stone.
I'll sharpen your face if you don't stop asking me questions you dolt!

The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, wet it.
Liza starts twitching and giggling maniacally to herself.

With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, with what?
try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, water.
This is total sarcasm dude. Ten points for Liza.

In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, in what?
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, a bucket.
Now Henry is getting attitude. Watch it, man. She's a ticking time bomb now.

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Use your head, then! dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Use your head, then! dear Henry, dear Henry, use your head!
Liza's face erupts into flames.


Now if that doesn't set your teeth on edge, then you have some serious issues of your own. But, if you're like me, then after listening to that whole torturous song, you are now walking in circles and counting the clowns under your bed. As a friend of a friend once told me, if you only see three clowns then you're still missing two.

Seriously Henry? I could have fixed the damn bucket myself by now.

Texas, Our Texas

Austin Skyline viewed from Lady Bird Lake

This weekend my home state seemed even more beautiful than normal. Eric's mom took Bella for the weekend, so Saturday morning we got up early with the baby and went running at Lady Bird Lake (formerly known as Town Lake). The sunrise was absolutely glorious. For the first time I saw a train pass over the bridge across from the Palmer Events Center, so of course I had to snap a picture. The beauty continued all weekend. On Sunday the skies were promising rain, and washing the scenery in a beautiful blue-gray that somehow caused the grass to look greener and made everything look sharper. On the way to get Bella from Eric's mom's house, we passed through several small farming communities. Usually it's nothing but corn as far as the eye can see, but this weekend it was cotton. A field of cotton that is almost ready to be harvested looks like a field of fluffy snow. The plant turns a dark brownish-grey color and the leaves die, it sounds ugly but I find it bewitching. I couldn't help myself, I made Eric stop several times to take pictures, like a tourist.

It's a Train!

I love my home state, but more than that, I love my country. There is amazing beauty in every state I've been to (admittedly I haven't seen them all yet). Eric's mom's family is from Pennsylvania, and if you have never been there, put it on your bucket list. Pennsylvania has some of the most idyllic farmland I've ever seen. It is full of rolling hills covered in lime green grass and pastoral red barns. It has old, small towns filled with churches, schools and homes built hundreds of years before Texas was even a part of the United States, and that kind of history is impressive to me. I also love the mountains in Virginia. Driving through the Appalachians during a rainstorm in Virginia one summer, I saw steam rising from the hills, and it made them appear as if they were alive and breathing. The Pacific Northwest holds incredible natural splendor as well. From enormous waterfalls hidden in vast pine forests, to lush volcanoes and long, rocky beaches, you can really start to feel close to God out there.

Cotton in rows

Even though I haven't been to Pike's Peak, it's no wonder to me that Katherine Lee Bates felt inspired to compose the lyrics to "America The Beautiful". You don't need to travel to Colorado to witness the splendor of creation in America, because it's evident in every state. In times as uncertain as these, I find comfort in the constant beauty that surrounds me, it's like a promise from God of good things to come.

Sunbeams from the heavens

Bella loves the wind in her hair!

More snowy cotton

Moo Cows